From England, with Love

I wish I could tell the world how much I miss you and the kind of life that we had before, when days are so easy and simple – just like how I write my thoughts in a journal notebook of red and blue lines, or how we spend our lazy, balmy afternoon by just watching people pass by. I miss those days when you let me get away with all the bad things that I have done. I miss how you just pop out, out of nowhere just to say “you did a great job”, when everyone thinks that I couldn’t do better than that. You always know when I’m crying and you always know the reason why. You always know what to do. I miss your way of thinking, that even though you only know a little, that did not stop you from knowing more. And for that, maybe we really are the same. You were the only person who believed in me. And I know you still do, wherever you are.

I know you were there when I’m at my worst. I do not know how, but you were. You were there.

And then, life after that has not really changed at all. The truth is, it stopped when I realized that I  cannot count on anyone at all. Trusting is more difficult than it was before. I believed them when they said I can’t do things perfectly. I refused learning from my mistakes and accepted every rock they throw at me, and it’s funny how I find comfort at being the least and the weakest. I’m still a difficult human being – and prolly now, you can see that from where you are. I still find it hard to make friends. I still feel inappropriate in so many ways. I am still incapable of doing something really worthwhile. I still could not make them really happy and proud. I’m still pushing them away. I still feel lost in my own destiny. I still couldn’t fight for the things that I truly want and love. I am still not honest to myself. I still don’t think I deserve any of the good things that I have right now. I still laugh too hard, and I still like the feeling that I get from it. It’s like a quick escape from my reality, forgetting all the fears, pain and disappointments, and leaving the uncertainties behind. I still please difficult people and make them stay. I still think I do not deserve anything at all.

Now that I’m all alone now, please help me to get things done just like before. I want to tell you so many things, but I know that you’re not coming back. My heart feels extremely sad for the many reasons you need not to know.

I am still longing for you, and I miss you so, so much.

My lola.



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