Whenever I say something, I truly mean it. But believe me when I say that you are praising me superficially, and you may be listening interestedly to what I’m saying but your eyes and body do not say so.
I am learning a lot from here, life wise. I realized that it takes more than great passion and dedication to work in a place where you do not have anyone else to look after but yourself. It takes courage and a really tough heart to get through everything. I realized that I did not heal from my past aches, but somehow, I managed to convince myself that there’s no point at focusing on the things that will never change and I can never take back. I need to free myself from the chains of the past which prevents me from moving forward. I need to make things easier to grasp. I want to stay away from those nightmares – dreams like I am being chased, attacked and that I need to hide/run away from something or someone. I want peace of mind and heart. I realized that I am punishing myself too much. I want to be just like anyone else. I do not want to feel, I just want to exist. In a workplace where your emotions may not be considered by anyone else, I have to accept that not everyone is going to like you or what you’re doing and that’s okay. How you react to certain situations might be an issue to everyone but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I have to take normal as it is and not please anyone to make the situation more comfortable for me. I want them to know who I am by showing them my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and how I manage to overcome them. I want to show them the childish fool that I really am and it is not a big deal.
It is hard when you are away from the ones you love, but maybe it’s God’s way of molding you to become a better individual in a world where people use your weaknesses against you.
I just hope I have a tough heart for that, though. Because honestly, I am doing my best to change the scared and weak person that I truly am.
I’m changing because I need to. I’m changing because that is all I’ve got.