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26, Trying

Diary

Life changes at 26. You become more aware of the things you never cared for when you were 25. You begin to love new things, places and people. Your insights and interests are now based on your circumstances and not because the society tells you so. You still have your own conflicts but you learn how to deal with them. You begin to understand people and their own conduct and situation. Sometimes, you become selfless, but there are times when you fight for your worth, and your indecisiveness will bear more confusion and hate but you no longer allow others to interfere with your life. You know now that promises can’t be kept at all times and that’s okay. You learn to give chances to people and to yourself. You know too well that you cannot really trust anyone in this world but you still do, because you realized that since people have their own unique battles, the only thing that you could give to them, more than mere respect and understanding, is your genuine trust. You let go of people and feelings, and feelings towards people. You do not hold on for so long anymore. Lying is still a bad thing, but still the best option sometimes. You learn how to say sorry when you are wrong. You realize that love isn’t a real thing until you really experienced how to be loved dearly and clearly. And it’s a completely different feeling.

Now, you really are becoming a better version of yourself, and you know that people might not understand what’s happening within you. This is just the beginning so do not stop trying. Even if they leave you behind, do not stop trying. Even if they choose to ignore you, let it all happen, because at 26, life is trying to show you which paths to take. It gives you now the subtle options as to what kind of person you ought to be, and it depends on you and how you see and deal with the situation around you.  You’ll be surprised to see the kinds of people your soul is being attached to. People will define you but it does not matter, and it will never matter in the end. Just make more mistakes and learn from them. No one can truly know life so just live it the way you want it and learn from everything that will not work. Do not listen to people when it comes to yourself. They will never know.

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My Side of England

I can see gray clouds on top of me, moving swiftly, clouding over abruptly. Creating an illusion that only I can spy, like things that matches saplings and lively conifers nearby.  I can see the ha…

Source: My Side of England

Posted in Blogged

My Side of England

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I can see gray clouds on top of me, moving swiftly, clouding over abruptly. Creating an illusion that only I can spy, like things that match saplings and lively conifers nearby. 

I can see the hands of the trees that happily wave at me, with varying shades of brown, juniper and hunter green. The birds on top fly in a chaotic jumble, and at times slapped by the wild winds and dusts right before my very eyes.

I can see scenic rooftops and chimney stacks that look familiar, and walls made up of cold bricks and old, styling moss. The windows are layered with white plain curtains and wooden blinds, which cast only moving shadows every night.

I can see the faraway horizon from my dusty glass window, but not the very object that’s suppose to rise and set on it. And every shrubbery and landscaped vistas seem to conceal, the existing life and beauty that await, and that are hidden from me.

I can see the danger and beauty of emptiness wherever I go. From the noiseless streets that slowly and silently kill my mind and soul; and to the complex roads and lonely distant paths I take, which somehow tell me to get lost and stay.

I wonder how this desolation can become so pleasant to bear, in a matter of three hundred and something olding days. Where stillness brings vibrance to my dull and hectic hours, this, probably is the kind of England that I truly love.

Insideamoronsbrain, 21 Feb 17

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Disturbingly Superficial

I am learning a lot from here, life wise. I realized that it takes more than great passion and dedication to work in a place where you do not have anyone else to look after but yourself. It takes courage and a really tough heart to get through everything. I realized that I did not heal from my past aches, but somehow, I managed to convince myself that there’s no point at focusing on the things that will never change and I can never take back. I need to free myself from the chains of the past which prevents me from moving forward. I need to make things easier to grasp. I want to stay away from those nightmares – dreams like I am being chased, attacked and that I need to hide/run away from something or someone. I want peace of mind and heart. I realized that I am punishing myself too much. I want to be just like anyone else. I do not want to feel, I just want to exist.  In a workplace where your emotions may not be considered by anyone else, I have to accept that not everyone is going to like you or what you’re doing and that’s okay. How you react to certain situations might be an issue to everyone but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I have to take normal as it is and not please anyone to make the situation more comfortable for me. I want them to know who I am by showing them my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and how I manage to overcome them. I want to show them the childish fool that I really am and it is not a big deal.

It is hard when you are away from the ones you love, but maybe it’s God’s way of molding you to become a better individual in a world where people use your weaknesses against you.

I just hope I have a tough heart for that, though. Because honestly, I am doing my best to change the scared and weak person that I truly am.

I’m changing because I need to. I’m changing because that is all I’ve got.

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Just Sinking In

I only have less than three weeks before the OSCE, which I consider the make-or-break stage of my nearly dying career life. I’m in a silent panic, and my brain is constantly nagging every system that exists in my body to do their part so as to push me and my already inefficient neurons to study and yet, it seems that my body just won’t give in.

Everyone’s almost done with every preparation to secure that pass mark on their nursing career achievement history, and here I am, desperately trying to start the real thing by reviewing my crappy notes.

I am not good at memorizing, no, I’m not good at keeping things in mind, which makes me think, how the hell did I pass those taxing, nerve-wrecking, soul-smashing examinations of this course that I had to choose because mom told me so? It’s probably magic. Because no matter how hard I try, it just does not feels right.

But, the big but for this is, there is no turning back. I mean, we’ve spent a lot already and I have put myself in a situation where the only option I have is to move forward. And life, as a nurse is something that’s fast-paced, and you have no choice but to keep up.

Hopefully, I’ll find the right reason for doing all of these. But so far, I must say that I love what I’m doing, I mean, I’m okay with what I have right now. Being alone and doing things independently, no definite plans and living life knowing that things could turn out bad or good suddenly but I don’t actually have to worry because it’s just what it is – living in uncertainties and being comfortable with it.

So Ces, just do your very best and once again, add that four-letter word to your last name, even if you think you don’t deserve them.

You can do it, hunny. I know you can. 🙂