Disturbingly Superficial

I am learning a lot from here, life wise. I realized that it takes more than great passion and dedication to work in a place where you do not have anyone else to look after but yourself. It takes courage and a really tough heart to get through everything. I realized that I did not heal from my past aches, but somehow, I managed to convince myself that there’s no point at focusing on the things that will never change and I can never take back. I need to free myself from the chains of the past which prevents me from moving forward. I need to make things easier to grasp. I want to stay away from those nightmares – dreams like I am being chased, attacked and that I need to hide/run away from something or someone. I want peace of mind and heart. I realized that I am punishing myself too much. I want to be just like anyone else. I do not want to feel, I just want to exist.  In a workplace where your emotions may not be considered by anyone else, I have to accept that not everyone is going to like you or what you’re doing and that’s okay. How you react to certain situations might be an issue to everyone but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I have to take normal as it is and not please anyone to make the situation more comfortable for me. I want them to know who I am by showing them my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and how I manage to overcome them. I want to show them the childish fool that I really am and it is not a big deal.

It is hard when you are away from the ones you love, but maybe it’s God’s way of molding you to become a better individual in a world where people use your weaknesses against you.

I just hope I have a tough heart for that, though. Because honestly, I am doing my best to change the scared and weak person that I truly am.

I’m changing because I need to. I’m changing because that is all I’ve got.


Just Sinking In

I only have less than three weeks before the OSCE, which I consider the make-or-break stage of my nearly dying career life. I’m in a silent panic, and my brain is constantly nagging every system that exists in my body to do their part so as to push me and my already inefficient neurons to study and yet, it seems that my body just won’t give in.

Everyone’s almost done with every preparation to secure that pass mark on their nursing career achievement history, and here I am, desperately trying to start the real thing by reviewing my crappy notes.

I am not good at memorizing, no, I’m not good at keeping things in mind, which makes me think, how the hell did I pass those taxing, nerve-wrecking, soul-smashing examinations of this course that I had to choose because mom told me so? It’s probably magic. Because no matter how hard I try, it just does not feels right.

But, the big but for this is, there is no turning back. I mean, we’ve spent a lot already and I have put myself in a situation where the only option I have is to move forward. And life, as a nurse is something that’s fast-paced, and you have no choice but to keep up.

Hopefully, I’ll find the right reason for doing all of these. But so far, I must say that I love what I’m doing, I mean, I’m okay with what I have right now. Being alone and doing things independently, no definite plans and living life knowing that things could turn out bad or good suddenly but I don’t actually have to worry because it’s just what it is – living in uncertainties and being comfortable with it.

So Ces, just do your very best and once again, add that four-letter word to your last name, even if you think you don’t deserve them.

You can do it, hunny. I know you can. 🙂


From England, with Love

I wish I could tell the world how much I miss you and the kind of life that we had before, when days are so easy and simple – just like how I write my thoughts in a journal notebook of red and blue lines, or how we spend our lazy, balmy afternoon by just watching people pass by. I miss those days when you let me get away with all the bad things that I have done. I miss how you just pop out, out of nowhere just to say “you did a great job”, when everyone thinks that I couldn’t do better than that. You always know when I’m crying and you always know the reason why. You always know what to do. I miss your way of thinking, that even though you only know a little, that did not stop you from knowing more. And for that, maybe we really are the same. You were the only person who believed in me. And I know you still do, wherever you are.

I know you were there when I’m at my worst. I do not know how, but you were. You were there.

And then, life after that has not really changed at all. The truth is, it stopped when I realized that I  cannot count on anyone at all. Trusting is more difficult than it was before. I believed them when they said I can’t do things perfectly. I refused learning from my mistakes and accepted every rock they throw at me, and it’s funny how I find comfort at being the least and the weakest. I’m still a difficult human being – and prolly now, you can see that from where you are. I still find it hard to make friends. I still feel inappropriate in so many ways. I am still incapable of doing something really worthwhile. I still could not make them really happy and proud. I’m still pushing them away. I still feel lost in my own destiny. I still couldn’t fight for the things that I truly want and love. I am still not honest to myself. I still don’t think I deserve any of the good things that I have right now. I still laugh too hard, and I still like the feeling that I get from it. It’s like a quick escape from my reality, forgetting all the fears, pain and disappointments, and leaving the uncertainties behind. I still please difficult people and make them stay. I still think I do not deserve anything at all.

Now that I’m all alone now, please help me to get things done just like before. I want to tell you so many things, but I know that you’re not coming back. My heart feels extremely sad for the many reasons you need not to know.

I am still longing for you, and I miss you so, so much.

My lola.



MASTER LIST of Physical Descriptions!



Tips for Your Upcoming NMC-CBT Exam

These tips are just my personal and practical points that you might want to consider because they helped me get through my CBT exam. I hope that these could help you too. Source: Tips for Your Upcoming NMC-CBT Exam